125: Waiting

He was waiting at the station

Glad to be lost in the throng of evening commuters
This time every day was precious to him
Nothing to do, nobody to interrupt his thought.
Eyes closed stood leaning back against the wall
Rhythmic breathing calmed him and allowed him to connect
Breathing in three times calling her name in his head
Felt pressure building in his chest
Heart filling with the sense of her.
Lungs full he released the energy back with his outward breath and waited
As next breath came he was jolted by a shock of energy
She was here, she was with him.
Though they were far apart he communed this way every day
Meditation was what got him through this self-imposed pain of separation
One day he would get on the train and go back to her
One day
But not today
He wasn’t ready.

Lady Satellite

This was written in response to a sentence starter 'He/She was waiting at the station' given at a Writing for Performance workshop.

124: Atishoo

Atishoo, atishoo
You caught a cold
Slowed down with a frown
You were not bold.

Get over the guilt
You’re in a mess
Be rid of it now
And just confess.

Don’t want to say it
But say it you must
If you don’t move on
You’re gonna combust.

I hate you, I hate you
That’s the way I feel
I shouldn’t say that
It shouldn’t be real

But life is a battle
If we can’t admit
To the thoughts in our head
That seem so unfit.

If we can’t let them out
We squash them instead
And end up with a cold
Inside our head.

Atishoo, atishoo
Words won’t come out
Just mini explosions
That shake you about.

It’s okay to be upset
With your family
Doesn’t mean you don’t love 'em
When you don’t feel happy.

Don’t pretend to yourself
That your feelings aren’t true
Don’t load yourself up
With guilt anew.

You’ll make yourself sick
If you can’t admit
That sometimes your family
Just get on your wick!

Lady Satellite

123: Man Enough

Are you man enough
To ignore my past
And see the woman
Standing here?

Are you man enough
To fall in love
To feel out of control
And ignore the fear?

Are you man enough
To stand by my side
To feel the excitement
And join in this ride?

Are you man enough
To catch this train
Not knowing our destiny
Risking the pain?

Don’t flirt with me
If the answer is no
If you’re scared of pain
Then you’d better go.

Don’t flirt with me
Unless you’re man enough
To fall in love.

Lady Satellite

122: Time To Grow Up

I love you dearly
But you have to go
It’s time to grow up
For you take control.

Moving out
Moving on
Taking charge
And being strong.

It’s time for you
To pack your things
To fend for yourself
And try out your wings.

Good luck my child
I wish you well
I’m always here
But you’ll do swell.

Lady Satellite

121: Song - Rocks And Gold

Intro

I like diamonds
You like gold
But we need both
Or love will grow cold.

I’m telling you girl
It’s the way of the world
If he treats you like diamond
Then give him gold
If he treats you bad
Then let him get cold
That’s the deal you strike
When your heart’s been sold.

I’m telling you boy
If we’re gonna get old
You’d better learn fast
Or you’re gonna get cold
If you want my body
To keep you warm at night
Then make me feel treasured
And I’ll treat you right.

I’m telling you girl
Because you need to know
That guys need lovin’
Or their feelings slow
If you don’t feel cherished
The passion goes cold
He’ll lose interest
If you’re not giving him gold.

Chorus

Rocks and gold
Just rocks and gold
That’s what it’s all about
When your heart is sold
It’s just a trade for rocks and gold.

Outro

Make me feel like a diamond
And I’ll give you gold.

I like diamonds
You like gold
But we need both
Or love will grow cold.

Lady Satellite

120: Acceptance

Nothing is the same
Not the wind nor the rain
Not the ticking of the clock
Not the wearing of a frock.

Life has challenged me
I will not accept the status quo
I will push back and ask for more
I will open brand new doors.

I am changed
My life has new perspective
My thoughts have shifted gear
My direction holds no fear.

I am grateful
For the changes brought about 
For the experience I have had
For the good that’s come from bad.

Lady Satellite

119: Life Without Limits

I breathe and you come closer
With every inward breath your thoughts turn in my direction
With every exhalation I connect to you
There is a natural rhythm here that won’t be denied.

Neither time nor space exist
The energy between us is a living being
We slip into that other reality, that parallel universe
Where fear and negativity are unknown.

We have no need to limit our experience
Love surrounds and nurtures
Permeating every thought.

This super-charged atmosphere is rich in opportunity
Our hearts expand to their full potential
As we discard our physical form
Love is all there is.

Lady Satellite

118: Needing Sleep

Don’t mess with me
I’m feeling mean
Don’t want to control my temper
I’m just about to scream.

All the noise you’re making
Grates inside my head
You’re outside my bedroom window
And I am seeing red.

It’s been the best day and the worst
Now I just need to sleep
So shut the fuck up you idiot
You’re waking up the street.

It’s 1.30 in the morning
It’s the middle of the week
You’re so damned inconsiderate
It’s really hard to believe.

While we drag ourselves to work
You’ll be lying your bed
Then in a peaceful house you’ll slumber
Not a worry in your head.

So yes I’m feeling angry
Yes I’m feeling mean
Because you’re not some unknown neighbour
And no this isn’t a dream.

Lady Satellite

117: Farewell

I want to say I hate you
But I can’t
I was growing to love you
And that hurts.
Nothing else matters;

Not the reason
For this treason
For this crime against my heart
Though I knew right from the start
It matters not.

It just hurts all the more
To know you felt it in your core
To know you wanted it but can’t
To know you’re not ready for my arms
It changes nothing.

You’ve committed no crime
You just haven’t done your time
Your past is still connected
And your freedom is affected
I can’t compete.

Though it kills me to hear you say
That we have to walk away
I know it to be true
There is still so much for you to do
So it’s over.

You haven’t grieved yet for your losses
You need to go and complete the process
I wish you well on your journey
Of my love you were worthy
So good luck.

I don’t want to say I hate you
Because it isn’t true at all
I really want to thank you
Because I have had a ball
So farewell.

Lady Satellite

116: Stuck In The Headlights

It’s insidious
This thing inside
If I’d left it there
Hope would have died;

Withered away
By fretting and worry
Feverish thoughts
Turning wheels in a hurry.

But I tracked you down
I sought you out
Now I know
What this is all about.

I trusted my emotions
For they are true
I listened to them
And they led me to you.

I uncovered the fear
Deep inside
Attached to the knowledge
That you were trying to hide.

You’re running scared
I can feel it, I know
You feel unprepared
Stuck in the headlights, aglow.

Do you run towards me
And face your fears
Or disappear into the shadows
No longer here.

So let’s cut the lights

While we adjust to the new
And try and work out
If there’s a me and you.

Lady Satellite

115: Wallowing

All that yearning
And dissatisfaction
Is stopping me
From taking action.

So all my fears
I give to you
Please take them away
And make me new.

All those tears
Threatening my eyes
Don’t let them cover
Your bright blue skies.

All that sadness
That defeats my purpose
Wash it away
It makes me feel worth less.

I’ll distract myself
With friends and fun
Until I feel that joy
In my heart, called love.

I’ll surrender my pity
Because that doesn’t fit
Wallowing won’t get me
Out of this shit!

Lady Satellite

114: Different Roads

So many paths
That cross my own
So much wisdom
I’m never alone.

If we could only see
Inside each soul
And learn from them
We’d be nearer our goal.

For each has travelled
A different road
And each has coped
With a different load.

If we could only learn
A little from each
Imagine how much
The world could teach.

So open your eyes
When you walk out the door
Look within each person
For that gem in store.

Lady Satellite

113: Talk To Me

Talk to me
I dread those days and nights
When the phone goes silent.
I’m not good in a vacuum
My mind seeks to fill the void.

Talk to me
So I know where I stand
Don’t let the thoughts in my head
Grow out of hand.
Communication is easy
When I can look into your eyes.
When you’re not here
I try to visualise
And keep myself on track.

When the phone doesn’t ring
I lose my way
And fall into the black.

Help me
Help me get through those days and nights.
Give me something to look forward to
Somewhere to set my sights.
Don’t leave me in a vacuum
Inventing things to fill the night.

Lady Satellite

112: Valentine's Day

It’s Valentine’s Day
The day you ought
To give your girl
A rose, shop bought
With fancy packaging

And hand delivered
To flutter her heart
And make her quiver.

Yet I dislike
Obligatory days
For showing affection
In stereotyped ways
It’s always nice
To receive flowers and gifts
If I wasn’t grateful

There’d be something amiss.

But if flowers arrive
On a random day
Or you say I love you
Out in the rain
It means more to me
Than anything else
Because you chose to do it
All by yourself.

Lady Satellite

111: I Am Your Pain

Make friends with me
I am your pain
I am part of you
Do not push me away
Or pretend I do not exist.

Do not paint over the top of me
With make-up, tan and nails
And think that I have gone
I am part of your reality
If you deny my existence
You deny part of yourself.

The happy, healthy you
Is not more important
Than the hidden, heartbroken one.

The funny, fearless you
Is not more real
Than the forgotten, frightened one.

The brave, beautiful you
Is not more valuable
Than the broken, battered one.

The strong, silent you
Is not more loveable
Than the sad, screaming one.

Every time you ignore me
I will fight harder to be heard
Every time you deny me
I will push you down into your feelings
Until you learn to love me.

Hear me, feel me
I am part of you
Acknowledge me, love me
I am you.

If you are right handed
You cannot deny your left.
You need it to stabilise the jar
You open with your right.

Whether kicking a ball
Or shaking someone’s hand
You need an equal and opposite force
To fulfil your purpose.

You cannot truly feel happiness
Until you have felt your misery
You cannot truly feel love
Until you have felt lonely or abandoned.

So make friends with me
I am your pain
I am part of you
You need me to be whole
You need me to be balanced and complete
I am the key to your happiness.

Lady Satellite

110: The Journey

I get scared
At this point in the journey
Wondering, hoping
Trying not to worry.

I’m having fun
That should be enough
And yet my thoughts run forward
And won’t be stopped.

I want to know
If this is going to last
I want to know
If I’ve escaped my past.

Yet the future’s not ours
To see and to know
And we must go forward
Fast or slow.

Enjoy the journey
And this place right here
Pause and look around
Stop running in fear.

So what do I find
When I still my mind?
Happiness, love
And a lot of fun times.

Now If I’m running, to one thing
Then I must be leaving another
Which makes no sense
Unless I’m in a lot of bother.

So the moral of this poem
If it should have such a thing
Is stop worrying about the future
Just keep on living.

Lady Satellite

109: Happiness Is A Pair Of Shoes I Love

It’s fun
That’s why I do it
Because I can
Because I want to
Because it makes me feel good.
I don’t care that I’m a head taller than you
I don’t care that it’s impractical
I don’t care that walking down hill requires careful execution.
You’ll catch me if I fall
You don’t care that I’m this tall
You like what you see and choose to be with me.
It’s sexy
It’s sassy
It’s sensational to be this happy.
Bugger practicality, it’s fun
I’ve wanted to do this for so long
I love my strappy high heel wedges
They go with my Bali blue dress
The one I waited ages to find
To match the shoes
I thought so divine.
So now the world can see, me up here
And I don’t care what you think
Their purpose is clear
Fun
Fun
Fun
And nothing else.
Happiness is a pair of shoes I love
And someone to strut with
Hand in glove.

Lady Satellite

108: Empowered

I don’t want to be around
When the fog has you
In its shroud.
I’ve done my time nursing
I wasn’t rehearsing
For the main event.
I don’t need to fix you
My time has been well spent.

I am whole
I am complete
I don’t need a project
To gain relief
My misery has been released
I don’t need yours
To feed me
I have no need.

When you go down
I cannot follow
And haul you out
Of your dark hollow.
Our vibrations
No longer match
You are not
My perfect match.

As I watch
From a safe distance
I am saddened
By your predicament
But I know
That help as I may
No matter how hard I push
I cannot heal you
Against your wish.

Suffering no longer triggers me
To sacrifice myself.
I have learnt the difference
Between enabling
And empowering
I have learnt my lesson well.

Lady Satellite

107: Building A Path

Too little, too late
I don’t want to know
I’ve moved on without you
We weren’t going to grow.

You hadn’t the time
A relationship needs
Left unattended
The cracks filled with weeds.

The path came to an end
It had nowhere to go
With only one builder
Progress was slow.

I waited and hoped
Your schedule would clear
But that never happened
And the answer was near.

Somebody that’s ready
And willing to go
Into the future
And explore the unknown.

We’ll forge a new path
In the jungle together
There’s a long way to go
But the journey’s a pleasure.

The path just appears
It’s easy in fact
With two people building
It happens like that.

Lady Satellite

106: It's Been Fun

It’s been fun
But you were never mine
Now you’re going
I know
I’ve read the signs.

It’s been the best experience
I’m content with that
You made me delirious
So happy I could fly
And now as your soar away
I must find another thermal
To take me to the heights
I have been shown

Life will never
Be the same again
Goodbye my lover
Yet stay, my friend
These memories will abide
And give courage to my heart
Whenever I stand
On top the cliff
Ready to leap out
With wide spread wings

You’ve taught me things
About myself
And brought me back to life
To feel this deeply is a gift
Even if it cuts like a knife.

Lady Satellite

105: Not You

I want my freedom
You want yours
But the time we’re together
I adore.

I’d give it all up
Just to be with you
To take time and find out
If we’re one or two.

I really don’t know
It’s a scary thought
But I’d like to see you
More and more.

I try to speak
And choke on my words
‘Cause I know you’re not ready
For those things to be heard.

Slowly, slowly
Is the only way
But I find it harder
With each passing day.

I don’t want to fall in love
Unless it’s the same for you
I’m scared to admit
How much I wish it was true.

I look elsewhere
Hoping to find
Somebody else
To distract my mind.

But it’s not working
Because all I do
Is sit across the table
And compare them to you.

Lady Satellite

104: Sleeping Tiger

I roar with sleep deprived anger
As I fight to make myself heard above the din.

“Turn the music down!”
“Show some respect!”
“I don’t want the cops around!”

The tiger has been woken
She has spoken
She will not be ignored.

I return to my lair
The tiger has left me
The effort of being something I am not
Has left me weakened and in despair.

Tearfully I wonder why I agreed to this
Do I like their music?
Do I like their drinking and the huddle of smokers out the front?

No, I don’t like any of it
I don’t like the incessant comings and goings
I don’t like the shouting and bad language
I don’t like upsetting my neighbours
I don’t like booze-fuelled kids, whether mine or someone else’s
And I definitely don’t like it in my house.

Trying to sleep is futile
I am worried about my dog running out onto the street
Every time a door is carelessly left open.
I pen him up and he howls miserably
I know how he feels
A prisoner in his own home.

The night drags on for me
As I listen to the sounds of other people’s fun
I wonder guiltily why I cannot enjoy this party?

They’re happy
They’re not malicious
They’re just unthinking pleasure seekers with no idea how I feel.

They wouldn’t believe how revolted I am
They have no concept of the fear that grips my heart
When people drink heavily around me.
They have no understanding of how unsafe I feel
When I see people losing control.
They have no ability to empathise with my impending sense of doom.
They have not walked in my shoes.
Nor would I want them to.

Let them have their fun
This is a unique occasion
There will be no repeat.

For this one night I will expose myself to the fear and panic
That drinking creates in me.
I do not have to like it to allow my daughter her special night.

I am jealous of them and I know this
I am jealous of their emotional freedom
I am jealous of their careless pleasure seeking ways
I am jealous of their lack of responsibility
But these feelings are fleeting.

I would not swap my knowledge for their naivety
I would not swap my years for their youth
I would not swap my caution for their abandon.

I thank goodness I am not twenty-one
I thank goodness my daughter is here and safe
I thank goodness the tiger is sleeping once again
Even though I remain awake.

Lady Satellite

103: Free Will

So many things
I want to do
Talk to him
Write to you.

Both are calling me
Which to choose?
I can’t decide
And don’t want to lose.

Help me, help me
Give me a sign
My silent prayer
To the Divine.

Here I am
Came loud and clear
Now what do you want?
You have my ear.

What should I do?
I can’t decide
Which would be better?
Please advise.

I can’t tell you that
I’m surprised you asked
You have free will
To choose is your task.

You can’t blame me
If the outcome is bad
So no need to sulk
And don’t get mad.

Whatever you choose
Will be right for you
I’m not saying happy
I’m not saying blue.

You will get back
What you put in
Happiness and love
Or misery and sin.

Lady Satellite

102: What Are You Looking For?

Give me adventure

Take me higher
On the top of the world
Emotions on fire.

Give me reliable
But not always the same
Keep me enthralled
Entice my brain.

Give me excitement
Don’t let me get bored
Challenge my senses
Be my adored.

Give me commitment
But please go away
I need to miss you
Can’t do every day.

Give me compliments
But make them sincere
I want to delight you
I hold you dear.

Give me honesty
Never, never lie
If you can’t do this
What we have will die.

Give me enthusiasm
I love your persistence
Try to persuade me
Overcome my resistance.

Give me your stamina
I admire your fitness
Push me to match you

Help with my weakness.

Give me your emotions
Put them into words
Show me your thoughts
Make me part of your world.

Give me your everything
Let nothing lack
I’ll give you my all
And love you right back.

Lady Satellite

101: Love

Where have you come from?
This fire
This energy
This enthusiasm.

I am invincible
I am on fire
I am alive and vibrant.

Everything makes me happy
I skip over every obstacle
Or run around laughing gleefully.
So what’s a detour between friends?
It’s just a longer ride.

Does it matter if I can’t see you today?
Why be sad?
When I’ll have the pleasure
Of anticipation all though tomorrow.

While I work, I’ll be day-dreaming
Typing with tempo as my heart races
My smile driven by that furnace inside my chest
Stoked by your jesting messages.

This is fun and fun is irrepressible
It will not be contained
It bubbles and spills over
Contaminating all those around
It stops anger in its tracks.

Be that child again
The one that has a fit of the giggles and can’t stop
Even when the teacher is on the warpath.

The one that’s sitting there fit to burst
Trying to contain this effervescent mirth.

The one that collapses on the floor
Laughing uncontrollably and can’t remember
Why we started laughing.

Tenderness, fun and passion
Are different faces of love.
That was not love, that hated innocent childish laughter.

The safety and security to be a fool
And laugh till you snort and cry
With your face creased, incapable of speech.
That’s love.

The tenderness that gently wipes your face
Like a child, as you lie there spent
From your fit of laughing.
That’s love.

The passion that desires you
When you have abandoned your dignity
In surrender to the emotional storm, that took you over
Despite a dripping face and panda smudged eyes.
That’s love.

Surrender to me
It’s easy
Fall in love.

Lady Satellite