179: Displaced

Where do you go when you have nowhere you can be yourself?

Here am I, seeking solace
A space in which to marshall my thoughts
I have money in my pocket
I am not homeless and yet I am temporarily away from home
Filling time, looking for a place to find me
And lose myself all at once.

It’s not easy
Outside the scant protection
Afforded by my temporary residence of metal and glass
The sky is dark
The night air chill.

Alone now, I feel uneasy
Unnerved by the shadow of the trees
And the eerie presence of the river I love by day.

I could stay cocooned in my vehicle
And let the time pass here
But even if I succeed in finding myself
I cannot see to record my thoughts on paper
The way they demand of me.

Of course I could go back into the building I have just left
But I left because I was not there
And I will not find myself if I go back.

Too many faces that know me
Too much expectation for chatter and contribution
I am tired
I want to be alone in a place
That has all the qualities of home.

Home where there is nobody to judge
Or raise an eyebrow at my actions
Home where there is a comfortable seat for relaxed writing
And an endless flow of warming tea to drink
Home which is too far away to warrant the journey
And yet tantalisingly close.

It’s not late but darkness comes early now
And with it comes a weariness born of a sleepless night prior
Where do the displaced go at this hour?

I head to the twenty-four hour mall
Looking for light, a seat in the warm, anonymity
And a warm drink to soothe me while I write.

I am disappointed
The building is full of glare and echoes
Such a harsh environment
The coffee shop is closed.

I can buy clothes and a laundry basket
Or cold food and alcohol
But there is nowhere comfortable
To sit and lose myself for an hour
Without being conspicuous and drawing attention to myself.

I return to my car defeated
Is this how homeless people feel?
Like there is nowhere they can go
Without people looking at them suspiciously
Wondering why they are there
And not some other more appropriate place.

Well where is the appropriate place to be
On a cold dark night
When for whatever reason and whatever length of time
You cannot be home and you find yourself alone?

Where do the displaced go?

Lady Satellite

178: Accepting the Truth

I want to stand up to you
But I can’t.

I think I am a strong independent woman
I reject the outrageous hurtful things you say and do
I fight back verbally
I reason and rationalise
I listen and sympathise
I stand up for my kids and then cower
When you turn those malevolent eyes on me.

My anger and indignation will only get me so far
My sense of right and wrong
Dissolves under threat of physical violence
I am a coward and I hate myself for it.

How did I get here?
How did I lose myself so completely
And become this hologram?
How does an intelligent woman wind up in a therapist’s chair
Deep in shock after hearing the words

“You realise this is domestic violence.”

I can’t take it in
Not in that moment
In fact not for a whole year
A year of watching my own life play out like a UN observer
A year of excuses and defensiveness
While the evidence around me stockpiles.

Finally my internal siege walls tumble
And the shocking reality of our existence
Becomes visible to even my blinkered eyes.

The truth has been uncovered
The truth has been accepted.

Lady Satellite

177: Crying

Tears fall maddeningly down my face

Why can’t I control this?

“Get a grip!”

“Pull yourself together!”

“Stop being so weak and pathetic!”

“It doesn’t matter!”

But it does
It matters now
It mattered then
And I fear that it will always matter.

I fear being a prisoner to this child’s disappointed tears
For the rest of my life.

Will she ever let me go?

I want to make my way through this world
Without dragging the weight of her betrayal behind me.

I cannot fly when she pulls on me in this infuriating way
Some days I can barely stumble forward.

My load has dragged along the ground
Picking up rubbish and extra weight
With every human encounter
For half a lifetime now.

Enough is enough!

“What do you want from me?”

“No amount of hugs and reassurance
Is going to change anything.”

“I can’t make you feel my love for you
If you don’t think you deserve it.”

“I can’t tell you anything with words
If your heart doesn’t feel it to be true.”

“So I ask you again…

What do you want from me?”

“And don’t tell me, you don’t know
Because that’s just gonna make me mad!”

“Do you expect me to carry you
For the rest of my life
Without knowing why?”

“Without you making an effort
To stand on your own two feet?”

But of course I know why

And I’m not really mad at her
I’m mad at myself

As I always am when I cry
Because it makes me feel
Like a helpless little girl again

And that I am not.

Lady Satellite

176: Family Sunday

Extremely lazy Sunday
Very late afternoon lunch
Oh my crazy family
You are the greatest bunch.

Roast lamb on the barbie
Smells wafting through my home
Makes me feel quite Aussie
Do you think it shows?

Soon be scattered different ways
But you’ll come back again
Love expressed through food
Is comfort on which you can depend.

Whether you came to hug your Mum
Or chat about your life
To play around with the dog
Or sleep over for the night.

It’s good to share a meal
To sit around as friends
Because home is where the roast is
Is a good enough reason in the end!

Lady Satellite

175: Uncovering The Blues

Blues isn’t just music
it’s an outpouring of anguish deep within your soul.
I can no longer listen
I know this now for sure.

All music is powerfully expressing
The attitude at your core
This sound wave jars most painfully
With the joyful rhythms of my heart.

My soul just wants to dance
But this mournful
Not quite pentatonic key
Won’t allow my legs the chance.

I will not compromise my level of vibration
By choosing this again
The experiment is over
Time hasn’t changed a thing.

I thought perhaps with sparkling company
I could replace those troubled memory vibes
That by laughing and loving in that place
I could move on from those negative emotional ties.

Thought I could appreciate the blues
Without the distraction of that aggravated man
But discovered something greater
Blues music, knew that fan.

That pain deep within his soul

Was the reason he was there
And the reason I couldn’t stay
Was floating melancholic in the air.

To truly love the blues
It must speak to the essence of who you are
Of being incomplete
Of anguish, loss and deeply hidden scars.

I am grateful for this understanding
For the illumination of this fact
I could never love a blues man
Because my heart is still intact.

Lady Satellite

174: Choose Your Proverb Wisely (And Your Friends)

Timeless advice
Comes in proverbs and quotes
Often contradictory
Sometimes offering hope.

How do I square these two circles?
Is my question to you
Which advice should I take
Thing one or thing two?

Thing one says

“Don’t burn your bridges!”

Suggests looking over your shoulder
As if with the benefit of hindsight
You might return to that boulder
The one that got in your way
And caused you to stumble
The one that pissed you right off
And made you mutter and grumble.

As if this very boulder
Might one day speak
And hold out a hand
When you are struggling and weak
Offering comfort and support
When you need it most
Or perhaps a new job
When you are in need of a post.

Thing two says

“As one door closes another will open...”

Suggests looking to the future
Expectant and hopeful
Never, ever looking back
For that way lies trouble
Close the door on it tightly
Then lock it up double
If you turn your back on the future
You won’t see what’s possible
If you keep living in the past
You’ll stay there for ever more.

Two different schools of thought
Now which one should I take?
Which one to apply to my life
After my tangle with that rake?
That scoundrel, that rogue
Who messed with my mind
The tumultuous roundabout on my path
Who has now left me behind.

So you see my dilemma
It’s a fling thing you know
Should I go with thing one?
Or is it thing two I should follow?

Do I forgive him his weakness
And keep him as a friend?
Or is that like keeping a lion as a pet?
It will bite you in the end!

Do I turn him out of my life
As if the past didn’t exist
Keep him at arm’s length
Protect myself from risk?

I could try but it won’t work
We live in the same town
And I’m certainly not staying home
Afraid of seeing him around!

I do not approve of hunting
So I cannot put a price upon his head
Even though at one time

I may have wished him dead

Thing three is another handy proverb
Which has the answer to my dilemma

“Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer”

A philosophy that’s very clever.

So my internal wrangling is over
The decision has been made
If I keep him where I can see him
No harm can come my way.

I know he is a lion
I have suffered from his bite
But while I’m getting on with my life
I’ll still keep him within sight.

Lady Satellite

173: Can't Find the Words

Words, just words
I have no words today
They all just packed up
Disappeared and ran away.

Off out on the town tonight
To see if I can find some more
Happy words, sassy words
To suit the dress that I adore.

Stylish words, inventive words
To create the mood
I choose to hold
Joyful words, playful words
To catapult me onto the dance floor
Happy, bright and bold.

And as I laugh and as I dance
I will look as if I have no cares
Maybe by the end
I won’t even think that life’s unfair
And maybe by the end
It will not hurt that you are there.

Lady Satellite

172: Beware the Libertine

Bound for pleasure’s shores
Ruled by his senses and nothing more
Heedless of morals and religious directions
Compass set for hedonism and other adventures.

Step away!
Have a care for your soul!
This way lies torment
For that is his goal
To caress and to tease
Until you submit to his skill
To amuse and entertain himself
Until exhausted, you yield.

You cannot count the ways
The machinations of his mind
Will invent to ensnare you
To drive you insane.
The lust will destroy you
For you cannot reign him in
Depraved you will fall
Effortlessly into sin.

Debauched and abandoned
You will wander in a daze
Questioning how this happened?
Your memories ablaze.

Who was this profligate rake
And has he really gone?
Surely he’ll come back and save you
Something must be wrong.

As you make excuses
You forget now, how he warned you
Time and time repeated
In fact he did deplore you.

“I’m a libertine”

“You deserve better.”

But you wouldn’t be defeated
Intoxicated you strode forward
Fearlessly onto the deck
Believing you were equal
Abandoning yourself to pleasure
Not keeping yourself in check.

Wanton and hungry
You eagerly played his games
Now amidst the wreckage of your life
You find he has sailed again.

Beware the libertine
History has not judged them well
Whether Byron or the Marquis de Sade
Many fine ladies fell.

The Marquis gave us sadism
And spent much of his life in prison
Many died of venereal disease
Also many of their women.

Now their image has been romanticised
and glamourised in film
Do not be deceived
Their existence is sensual but selfish
Heed the warning
Do not be taken in.

Lady Satellite

171: Who Cares?

Got a smile on my face
No amount of work can erase
My sun is shining
What a way to start the day.

Libertine
Or long time love
Who cares?
I can’t get enough.

You can sail that ship
Right around the world
But you’ll keep coming back
To my arms unfurled.

Lady Satellite

170: Denying the Fear

Okay! Okay! Okay!

The time is now
In some way, somehow
These words will come out
They circulate around
They have a life of their own
Their future is unknown
But they will have an effect
In whose life they interject.
In my head they cannot stay
They have to come out today
They pour across the page
They are powerful with rage
There are important things to say
If I can just find the way.

So I let my pencil talk
Across the page it cannot walk
It races at lightning speed
Determined to succeed.
It’s task is wholly clear
To get these words to appear
Are they profound or are they simple?
It matters not, it’s just a principle
Immerse yourself in the flow
Let it all go! Let it all go!

What comes from this is magic

Trust in me and you too can have this
I am the voice of inspiration
I am everywhere in every nation
Connect with me and I will come
And write with you while you run
To keep pace with the thoughts that flow
Like water, just watch me go.
The art is in not trying
To control the outcome here
The skill is in denying
That little thing called fear
You can write at any time
In any place upon the earth
You can do it on your phone
Or with a stick upon the dirt.
Words are so ephemeral
They come and then they go
So share them with the world
And let everybody know.

Lady Satellite

169: Become a Lesbian Mum!

I wanted to go out
Meet new people and have fun
But I didn’t know where to begin
So I asked daughter number one.
You should go on dating sites.
Is what she advised me to do.
Didn’t know how I felt about that

So I asked daughter number two.

She said
Become a lesbian Mum.

Ignoring that, I went on the Internet
Tried out Match and eHarmony
Chatted to a lovely man in “Perth”
Who would only talk at quarter past three.
I started to get suspicious
When he wanted money sent.
I said to my daughter
I might be single but I’m not stupid.
Turned out he was in Ghana
So that was the end of cupid.

I told you
Become a lesbian Mum.
Was all my daughter said.

Well I don’t give up that easily
So on RSVP I tried again
Made sure that they were local
And chatted to lots of men.
The first one I met for coffee
Well he was a complete disaster
Gave me a bunch of flowers in a yoghurt pot
And his shirt was covered in pasta.

Well you can guess what my daughter said
Become a lesbian Mum.

Then I met a sporty man
Who turned up with his foot in a cast
Now I’m not being cruel
But I was trying not to laugh.
He’d bought a new T-shirt
In honour of the occasion
He was wearing it quite proudly
But the sticker on the front
Was proclaiming loudly
XL
XL
XL
XL
Where he’d forgotten to remove it
Still at least it was clean!

Well I couldn’t control my giggles
I couldn’t listen to him at all
Because in my head was my daughter
Saying…
Become a lesbian Mum
Check out the chick behind the bar!
And for a moment I turned my head.

Then daughter number one said
You need to get on Tinder. 
So I downloaded the app
But when I took the plunge
Well what can I say about that!
I had more pornographic photo’s sent
Than I’ve ever seen in my life
And found lots of randy men
Who want a threesome with their wife!
But amongst the dubious undesirables
It has been my greatest pleasure
To find someone rather special
In fact someone I shall treasure.
So thank you kindly Tinder
There really isn’t much more to say
Except that now I know for sure
I’m definitely not gay!

Lady Satellite

168: Cravings

Thoughts of you
Go around in my head
Is it this hard for you
or is it easy instead?

Sometimes I wish
My heart didn’t feel
But I’ve been there before
And that life’s not real.

A life without feelings
Is so incomplete
But what I have now
Is both bitter and sweet.

Like the dark chocolate I crave
But I try to resist
One bite isn’t enough
Yet I have to insist.

If I go back for more
Regrets soon will follow
Can’t do that to my heart
it would be too hard to swallow.

Some days, my will power
Is strong and holds fast
On other days the chocolate
Has me tied to the mast.

A little of what you fancy
Does you good so they say
And I wonder If I could cope
No feelings in the way.

But that would be wrong
To be ashamed of my heart
To deny what I have felt
To be cold and apart.

Yet I still love the taste
And if I want to take a bite
I know my heart will cope
And everything will be alright.

I am not made of steel
And I’m not bullet proof
But I’m still standing here
And oh look, so are you!

Lady Satellite

167: Night Owl

They say, the early bird
Gets the worm
If you get in first
You’ll get more turns.

Yet I can’t let go
Of my weekend lie-in
I need a great incentive
My day to begin.

You see, I’m a night owl
I struggle to sleep
I need those hours in the morning
My health, to keep.

My brain stays active
It won’t switch off
Even when my body says
It’s had more than enough.

Now if I had a good reason
To seek my bed at night
I could get up early
Everything would be right.

But my bed is empty
A cavernous space
There is nobody there
With strong arms to embrace.

No one to soothe my body
When my head over-reacts
Nobody there
My thoughts to distract.

So I’m a night owl
That’s just the way it is
Until tempted to bed
By a good-night kiss.

Lady Satellite

166: If Only the Aussie Male Would Dance!

Guys! What the hell are you thinking
When you stand at the edge and just drink
When the dancing and actions begun
And the girls are all up having fun?

As you stand there downing Dutch courage
What is, the plan in your head?
‘Cos if you think getting drunk’s gonna help
Then you have been sadly misled.

Get up on the dance floor and move
Then see how the girls are attracted
Because a man that can confidently groove
Will always get a good reaction.

Now tell me, what’s with the guy in the middle
Videoing the whole of the dance floor?
Do you watch it late night at home
All alone when you feel that you want more?

Do you realise how seedy you look?
It’s really not very attractive
Get out from behind the camera and talk
That way you might get real action!

Guys, there’s one more thing I have to share
Before I let you go back to the bar
It’s not cool when you say “Hi, I’m drunk!”
That approach isn’t going to get you very far!

If you have to be ‘out of it’ just to talk to me
Then I really don’t want to know
It’s not flattering if you can no longer see me
Before you decide you’re prepared to ‘have a go!’

So guys, listen up, if you like a girl
Please don’t wait, till the end of the night
When you’ve got so much booze on board
That everything’s an excuse for a fight.

Please talk to us while you’re still sober
Maybe take a risk, get up and dance
Do something positive while you’re still capable
You never know, you might be in with a chance!

Lady Satellite

165: Beautiful Scars

It’s amazing
What our eyes don’t see
How we apply a filter
To our reality.

We only focus
Where we choose
What we ignore
Somehow we lose.

Like those marks
Upon the wall
I wasn’t seeing
Them at all.

A coat of paint
It’s gleaming bright
Now it seems
I’ve restored my sight.

I’m going to paint my life
And see it clearly
Not ignore the cracks
For which I paid so dearly.

I’m going to gild my scars
And make them shine
Because they tell my tale
With a beautiful design.

Lady Satellite

164: Dysfunctional?

I am what I was taught to hate
A middle class black sheep
Whose shame was great
Three kids, two dads
Two marriages failed
But it wasn’t a husband I couldn’t keep
It was me that bailed
Before drowning deep.

A matriarch of dysfunction
I am proud to be
What’s the point in a marriage
Full of misery?
Now we have four names between us
By choice I might add
And a stack of labels if you want
To make us look bad.

But I don’t live by the creed
Of appearances and need
I won’t stay miserable on the inside
While the outside deceives
I won’t stay put and shut up
While my life force bleeds.

I have a new life now
My family is thriving
Dysfunctional or not
We are not just surviving
We are living and loving
And learning each day
Because the shame and the guilt
Are gone, thrown away.

Lady Satellite

163: Free-Thinking Lady

Tea-drinking lady
Free-thinking lady
This is who I am.

Rhyming lady
Good-timing lady
Don’t give a damn.

I have a job and commitments
Children I love
But I’m more than a worker, a mother
Or any other label you care to shove.

Passionate lady
Satellite lady
Set me free and watch me orbit.

Experimental lady
Non-judgemental lady
Come with me it will be worth it.

I expect life to be fun
And I’m going to make it happen
Grab your dreams and we will run
To the stars and see what’s out there.

Leading lady
Teasing lady
So much more I want to do.

Excited lady
United lady
All I need is who.

Lady Satellite

162: Roses are Red, Flu is Blue

Roses are red
Flu is blue
It makes you ill

And grumpy too.

Flu, flu go away
You’ve had your fun
And yes I’ve paid.

My face is red
My whole head hurts
I feel so tired
But what is worse
Now I’m contagious
Can’t see my friends
Been waiting ages
But daren’t attend.

You’ve ruined my plans
You’ve made me sick
You’re not welcome here
Now clear off quick!

Lady Satellite

161 Decorating Blues

It’s an effort today
So get out of my way
I’m not feeling mean
Just don’t wanna be seen.

This flu in my head’s
Trying to keep me in bed
But it won’t succeed
I have paint to be freed.

Gotta get it on the walls
Before my enthusiasm stalls
Gotta get the job done
Before I succumb.

You can’t come to my house
Because it’s a disgrace
I got furniture everywhere
All over the place.

There’s a bed in the hall
Can’t see the floor or the walls
And I’m not bitchin’
But there’s boxes in my kitchen.

The view just ain’t pretty
From the chair where I’m sitting’
So I’ll grab another tin
And get stuck right in!

Lady Satellite

160: Celebrating Freedom

Forget about your Sugar Fest
I want no part of it
I’ll gladly take a day of rest
While you celebrate how you see fit.

I don’t care for your religion
Bolted on to early rites
I’m not saying He didn’t exist
But I’m not a follower of Christ.

If I want something to believe in
I’ll go straight to the source
You can keep the mass commercialism
That’s infected what we’re taught.

The marketing of ideas
Is devious and underhand
Wrapped up in shiny foil
Attracting kids, their master plan.

I have no axe to grind

Not bitter on this Easter Day
Today I celebrate freedom
My life, my own way.

Lady Satellite

159: A Decorating Ditty

I hope somebody appreciates
The effort I’m putting in
Creating a new bedroom
Especially for him.

All the frustration at the plaster

That fell off when I moved the bed
Will be forgotten when it’s finished
And he can rest his sleepy head!

Lady Satellite

158: Silence is Deafening

My world is never silent
Noise rattles inside my head
The clock is ticking loudly
Drowning out the thoughts I dread.

Cars part the air along the highway
In a rush, not too far distant
My thoughts follow the sound
I gain relief for an instant.

Sometimes you just want sleep
To anaesthetise your brain
To turn off the volume switch
Before you go insane.

But sleep won’t come, when you call it

Nor silence in your head
You cannot drown your thoughts
You have to face the things you dread.

Lady Satellite

157: That's What Friends Are For

Some tell you the truth
When you least want to hear it
Some make you laugh
When you think you just can’t bear it.

Some ring you up
Just to check that you’re okay
Some feed the cat
When you have to go away.

Some pop around for tea
When you need a chat and sympathy
Some take you out for a drink
When you really don’t want to think.

But the best is a friend who’s there
When you have news to share
Whether good or bad
They’ll be happy or sad
But always they will care.

Lady Satellite

156: Move On

Be open, be free
Life is bittersweet.

Some, give you energy
Some, cause a retreat.

Stop and consider
Then move on joyfully.

Was it fun while it lasted?
Then remember happily.

Lady Satellite

155: Screaming

There is a certain type of scream
No child should every make
As a mother if you hear it
You are instantly awake.

Should I mind my own business
Or knock upon the door?
I cannot do the first
The second scares me more.

The frequent sounds of distress
Disturb me more each day
I cannot hear those children
And turn my heart away.

Who do I tell about this
What is the right thing to do?
Maybe nothing’s wrong
Yet I worry that’s not true.

I hope my fears are groundless

But I have to make that call
No child should make that sound
The one that’s coming through my wall.

Lady Satellite