179: Displaced

Where do you go when you have nowhere you can be yourself?

Here am I, seeking solace
A space in which to marshall my thoughts
I have money in my pocket
I am not homeless and yet I am temporarily away from home
Filling time, looking for a place to find me
And lose myself all at once.

It’s not easy
Outside the scant protection
Afforded by my temporary residence of metal and glass
The sky is dark
The night air chill.

Alone now, I feel uneasy
Unnerved by the shadow of the trees
And the eerie presence of the river I love by day.

I could stay cocooned in my vehicle
And let the time pass here
But even if I succeed in finding myself
I cannot see to record my thoughts on paper
The way they demand of me.

Of course I could go back into the building I have just left
But I left because I was not there
And I will not find myself if I go back.

Too many faces that know me
Too much expectation for chatter and contribution
I am tired
I want to be alone in a place
That has all the qualities of home.

Home where there is nobody to judge
Or raise an eyebrow at my actions
Home where there is a comfortable seat for relaxed writing
And an endless flow of warming tea to drink
Home which is too far away to warrant the journey
And yet tantalisingly close.

It’s not late but darkness comes early now
And with it comes a weariness born of a sleepless night prior
Where do the displaced go at this hour?

I head to the twenty-four hour mall
Looking for light, a seat in the warm, anonymity
And a warm drink to soothe me while I write.

I am disappointed
The building is full of glare and echoes
Such a harsh environment
The coffee shop is closed.

I can buy clothes and a laundry basket
Or cold food and alcohol
But there is nowhere comfortable
To sit and lose myself for an hour
Without being conspicuous and drawing attention to myself.

I return to my car defeated
Is this how homeless people feel?
Like there is nowhere they can go
Without people looking at them suspiciously
Wondering why they are there
And not some other more appropriate place.

Well where is the appropriate place to be
On a cold dark night
When for whatever reason and whatever length of time
You cannot be home and you find yourself alone?

Where do the displaced go?

Lady Satellite