177: Crying

Tears fall maddeningly down my face

Why can’t I control this?

“Get a grip!”

“Pull yourself together!”

“Stop being so weak and pathetic!”

“It doesn’t matter!”

But it does
It matters now
It mattered then
And I fear that it will always matter.

I fear being a prisoner to this child’s disappointed tears
For the rest of my life.

Will she ever let me go?

I want to make my way through this world
Without dragging the weight of her betrayal behind me.

I cannot fly when she pulls on me in this infuriating way
Some days I can barely stumble forward.

My load has dragged along the ground
Picking up rubbish and extra weight
With every human encounter
For half a lifetime now.

Enough is enough!

“What do you want from me?”

“No amount of hugs and reassurance
Is going to change anything.”

“I can’t make you feel my love for you
If you don’t think you deserve it.”

“I can’t tell you anything with words
If your heart doesn’t feel it to be true.”

“So I ask you again…

What do you want from me?”

“And don’t tell me, you don’t know
Because that’s just gonna make me mad!”

“Do you expect me to carry you
For the rest of my life
Without knowing why?”

“Without you making an effort
To stand on your own two feet?”

But of course I know why

And I’m not really mad at her
I’m mad at myself

As I always am when I cry
Because it makes me feel
Like a helpless little girl again

And that I am not.

Lady Satellite