77: The Lonely Journey

It feels dangerous to be here

Life feels unsafe.
I constantly feel tears threatening
To wash away the mask of happiness
I present to the world.

It feels like I am lying
Life feels unreal.
I recognise these feelings
Of shame and inadequacy
That stem from deep within.

It feels like I am failing
Life feels remote.
I cannot change these feelings
Unless I welcome them inside
And allow them full expression.

It feels like jumping off a cliff
Life feels terrifying.
I can feel the scream rising
As I fall steadily downwards
Lonely, Lonely
I am lonely
Say it
Feel it
Let it out
And let it go.

It feels like it will break me
Life feels over.
I allow myself to sink into the feeling
Into the unknown abyss
I howl like the wretched animal I feel
Until I am spent.

Then as I rearrange my fallen limbs
And test their ability to hold me up
I feel calm
I feel clarity and elation
As understanding rushes in
On a wave of excitement.

I know where this feeling comes from
I have pinpointed the exact moment
When I adopted feeling lonely
Instead of facing the shadows in my life
The darkness has melted away
With the light that is pouring in now.

I see facts without feeling lonely
I feel triumphant
I feel exultant
I have survived the leap into the unknown
I know who I am
I have repaired the hole in my heart.

Lady Satellite