225: Letter to a Poet

I love it when time is taken to shape words into thoughts

I hope the writer finds it therapeutic, as I do of course
the rhythm and the rhymes
become the focus of my mind
as I play with the words
the thoughts appear quite unobserved.

Truth sneaks out when not held back
when the constant conscious effort to restrain goes slack
as I push all my energy into beautiful word connections
raw emotion does not suffer its usual untimely rejection
and so it seeks freedom of expression and reaches for the light
bubbling freely with abandon a true reflection of what is real and what is right.

What cannot easily be aired when head is pounding and eyes are red
will surface effortlessly when the barriers are unmanned
and the words can frolic around without some grand restrictive plan
the mind plays tricks and clouds the simplistic brain
seeking to forget and smother all the pain
the truth is fettered along with love and all reality
I need these escaping words to say painful things and give me sanity.

My mission, let’s be clear
is love and never fear
to open the door and watch the monsters run
to feel relief as their terrorising shadows melt and die in the sun
then I know my fears were some insubstantial vapour
never to be given the power of the hand held upper.

Thoughts can be a deceitful slippery slope
one covered in black ice, where you really need a rope
not to hang yourself high and hasten death
but of love to haul you higher so you fly gracefully with each breath
come let us soar like those wedge tail eagles paired for life
trusting in a wind they cannot see
but whose existence gives them flight.

Lady Satellite

221: Mistress Pain

Integrate or disintegrate

that’s what I have to do.
Shine the love on the fear
and melt it away,
can’t live with black ice, my dear.

I understand, I feel your pain
but do I want to face it again?
As adrenalin surges
the blood rush urges
‘Get out! Run away! It’s not safe!’

Is loving enough?
When times get rough
as you fight your inner demons
will you change?
First show me a little
then with safety comes more
as you seek the familiarity of pain.

Will I leave through that door
pushed unwillingly by your core
but what if my love is stronger?
Will you jump into her arms
be embraced by her charms
will Mistress Pain take you in the long run?

Lady Satellite

189: Full Circle

“Make me feel good.”
Said the girl

“Stay in and hold me.
Don’t go out tonight
I’m scared.”

“I can’t.”
Said the mother

“Because I don’t understand
And you can’t tell me why;
Because you don’t have the words
And I don’t want to hear them anyway.”

“Make me feel good.”
Said the teenager

“Tell me I’m pretty.
Take me to the cinema
Hold my hand.”

“I can’t.”
Said the boy

“Because you don’t smile
And until you do I won’t know that you’re pretty;
Because you don’t trust me
And I don’t know why.”

“Make me feel good.”
Said the young woman in her first job

“Notice how hard I am trying.
Reward me with praise
Trust and respect me.”

“I can’t.”
Said the boss

“Because you have victim written all over you
And I don’t respect you for that;
Because I don’t want you to be my equal
And your intelligence threatens me.”

“Make me feel good.”
Said the wife

“Hold me tight and tell me everything will be alright.
Make a fuss of me and show me you care.
Never ever frighten me.”

“I can’t.”
Said the husband

“Because my problems are bigger than yours
And I can’t see you there in my shadow;
Because I have to pretend all day long
And home is the only place I feel safe to let it all go
And that’s because I know you love me.”

“Make me feel good.”
Said the mother

“Take care of me and the children.
Notice what I achieve and not what is left undone
I want to be glad I chose you.”

“I can’t.”
Said the father

“Because I am afraid I am a failure
And I need you to be perfect to make me look good;
Because I make you feel scared like you did as a child
And you chose me because you knew this.”

Lady Satellite

155: Screaming

There is a certain type of scream
No child should every make
As a mother if you hear it
You are instantly awake.

Should I mind my own business
Or knock upon the door?
I cannot do the first
The second scares me more.

The frequent sounds of distress
Disturb me more each day
I cannot hear those children
And turn my heart away.

Who do I tell about this
What is the right thing to do?
Maybe nothing’s wrong
Yet I worry that’s not true.

I hope my fears are groundless

But I have to make that call
No child should make that sound
The one that’s coming through my wall.

Lady Satellite

141: Dance With Me

I love you
You know I do
I will not say it yet
But it is implied in everything I do
You know the truth
You feel it moving deep inside
Why hide?
You know it’s true
I hide just the same as you.

Fear holds us back
So much to gain
Yet so much to lose
Fragile hearts at risk
Each scared to say what is obvious
Each scared to lose the freedom they hold dear
And so we dance
Circling close and twisting away
Air crackling with unspoken feelings
Who will dare to go first?
Who will risk frightening the other?

How strange this dance is
For there is no risk
We are not fragile
This sweet ache will not kill us
If the emotion is shared we will dance ever closer
If the emotion is unequal we were never meant to be partners
Say nothing
Just dance with me
You don’t know the steps and nor do I
Let the rhythm will take us
We have nothing of value to lose
But what we have to gain is priceless.

Lady Satellite

140: Safe On Land

I find it hard to comprehend
What your watery world is like
I have no point of reference
No experience to invoke.

I have never lived at sea
Or been so far from land
I have never been on-board ship
With a cyclone close at hand.

Without communication
My mind runs and jumps about
I’m sure it’s all routine for you
But I worry you’re caught out.

I look forward to your landing
When my phone begins to ping
Then I’ll know you’re safe ashore
And I’ll breathe easy again.

Lady Satellite

138: Love That Sound

Drumming rain on canvas
Vibrates inside my brain;
I want to sleep but can’t
Camping once again.

Ground unyielding beneath
Rain relentless above;
So glad it’s only one night
Camping is not my love.

Dawn arrives with haste
I feel unready and unwilling
A day of entertaining cub scouts
While the puddles are a-filling.

The boys are making a racket
Be surprised if we’re allowed back
Parrots are screeching loudly
Sounds like we’re under attack.

A deep booming ‘crack’ overhead
Cuts through the din all around
An ominous creaking begins
Never felt so much fear from a sound.

As I scramble to escape
The bough fall is relentless
My mind runs wild in fear
Action invisible through canvas.

The impact has a resonance
I feel vibrating like thunder
A terrifying silence follows
Except where my heart shudders.

How I wish for the chatter
Of those ten excited children
And those raucous birds at dawn
Life without, a vision truly barren.

Finally reaching the light
Gratitude floods over
The children emerge and run about
Fall couldn’t have been much closer.

So happy to hear their noise
No longer caring what others think
How thoughts change in a second
When precious life is threatened.

Lady Satellite

116: Stuck In The Headlights

It’s insidious
This thing inside
If I’d left it there
Hope would have died;

Withered away
By fretting and worry
Feverish thoughts
Turning wheels in a hurry.

But I tracked you down
I sought you out
Now I know
What this is all about.

I trusted my emotions
For they are true
I listened to them
And they led me to you.

I uncovered the fear
Deep inside
Attached to the knowledge
That you were trying to hide.

You’re running scared
I can feel it, I know
You feel unprepared
Stuck in the headlights, aglow.

Do you run towards me
And face your fears
Or disappear into the shadows
No longer here.

So let’s cut the lights

While we adjust to the new
And try and work out
If there’s a me and you.

Lady Satellite

115: Wallowing

All that yearning
And dissatisfaction
Is stopping me
From taking action.

So all my fears
I give to you
Please take them away
And make me new.

All those tears
Threatening my eyes
Don’t let them cover
Your bright blue skies.

All that sadness
That defeats my purpose
Wash it away
It makes me feel worth less.

I’ll distract myself
With friends and fun
Until I feel that joy
In my heart, called love.

I’ll surrender my pity
Because that doesn’t fit
Wallowing won’t get me
Out of this shit!

Lady Satellite

110: The Journey

I get scared
At this point in the journey
Wondering, hoping
Trying not to worry.

I’m having fun
That should be enough
And yet my thoughts run forward
And won’t be stopped.

I want to know
If this is going to last
I want to know
If I’ve escaped my past.

Yet the future’s not ours
To see and to know
And we must go forward
Fast or slow.

Enjoy the journey
And this place right here
Pause and look around
Stop running in fear.

So what do I find
When I still my mind?
Happiness, love
And a lot of fun times.

Now If I’m running, to one thing
Then I must be leaving another
Which makes no sense
Unless I’m in a lot of bother.

So the moral of this poem
If it should have such a thing
Is stop worrying about the future
Just keep on living.

Lady Satellite

104: Sleeping Tiger

I roar with sleep deprived anger
As I fight to make myself heard above the din.

“Turn the music down!”
“Show some respect!”
“I don’t want the cops around!”

The tiger has been woken
She has spoken
She will not be ignored.

I return to my lair
The tiger has left me
The effort of being something I am not
Has left me weakened and in despair.

Tearfully I wonder why I agreed to this
Do I like their music?
Do I like their drinking and the huddle of smokers out the front?

No, I don’t like any of it
I don’t like the incessant comings and goings
I don’t like the shouting and bad language
I don’t like upsetting my neighbours
I don’t like booze-fuelled kids, whether mine or someone else’s
And I definitely don’t like it in my house.

Trying to sleep is futile
I am worried about my dog running out onto the street
Every time a door is carelessly left open.
I pen him up and he howls miserably
I know how he feels
A prisoner in his own home.

The night drags on for me
As I listen to the sounds of other people’s fun
I wonder guiltily why I cannot enjoy this party?

They’re happy
They’re not malicious
They’re just unthinking pleasure seekers with no idea how I feel.

They wouldn’t believe how revolted I am
They have no concept of the fear that grips my heart
When people drink heavily around me.
They have no understanding of how unsafe I feel
When I see people losing control.
They have no ability to empathise with my impending sense of doom.
They have not walked in my shoes.
Nor would I want them to.

Let them have their fun
This is a unique occasion
There will be no repeat.

For this one night I will expose myself to the fear and panic
That drinking creates in me.
I do not have to like it to allow my daughter her special night.

I am jealous of them and I know this
I am jealous of their emotional freedom
I am jealous of their careless pleasure seeking ways
I am jealous of their lack of responsibility
But these feelings are fleeting.

I would not swap my knowledge for their naivety
I would not swap my years for their youth
I would not swap my caution for their abandon.

I thank goodness I am not twenty-one
I thank goodness my daughter is here and safe
I thank goodness the tiger is sleeping once again
Even though I remain awake.

Lady Satellite

96: Paradise

Paradise is not a place
It is a state of mind, I seek to find.
I have travelled to beauty
And found ugly instead
Because it came with me inside my head.

The difference is only guilt
Settling on my shoulders
Self-imposed and always there.
My unwelcome visitor
Is growing bolder.

I feel ungrateful in this place

To have such sadness in my heart
So much time to think
My camouflage has fallen apart.
What does the future hold?
Why does the thought fill me with dread?
I am frightened for my son
In fact I’m scared to death.

Lady Satellite

34: Journey into Madness

Toxic! Toxic!
Warning! Keep Away!
The signs flash, in sickly green light.
Now why did I, ignore that,
that very first night?

Could have! Should have!
Steered a different course.
Ignorant, naïve and foolish,
I approached the danger zone.
Irradiation was my wish.

Danger! Danger!
Withered foes lie strewn.
A landscape, full of human debris,
yet I can’t see him,
as the cause of all this misery.

Madness! Madness!
Insanity lies beyond.
I willingly tread, on contaminated land.
Not wishing, to go back.
Think I can handle this man.

Poison! Poison!
Running through my veins.
The sickness spreads insidiously.
The innocent are slain.
All gone; my integrity.

Painful! Painful!
To leave or to stay.
Perdition is hard to escape.
Every step filled with fear and dread.
In my foggy mind I prayed.

Guilty! Guilty!
Feelings in my heart.
Every day, I see their pain.
It registers and huddles with my own,
in a frightened corner of my brain.

Escape! Escape!
Go now! Save a life!
Dangerously, unstable now,
you teeter on the edge,
I know what to do; but how?

Away! Away!
Reach out, help comes in.
It’s not easy. I don’t deny;
but angels do exist.
They were standing by my side.

Lady Satellite

Thanks to all my angels; past, present and future.

31: Honesty

Honesty defines a person,
yet what does it really mean?
Such an easy thing to utter,
to say hotly, “I am honest!”
But to live it is truly challenging.
The truth is powerful,
it often causes anguish,
to the bearer and receiver.
Use it carefully and with thought.
Beware the majority around you,
who do not have the strength required.

To avoid something, because it is difficult,
does none of us a favour.
As we skirt around the issues,
hoping another will make it easier;
we wait and hope for intervention,
that will release us from the pain,
of taking responsibility, for the truth.
But this is not honesty,
just procrastination based on fear!
Honesty may not make you popular.
It can be the hardest thing you’ve ever done.
You may be cast out and condemned.
Such integrity requires courage,

but do not expect reward.

Many people claim honesty
and stand high upon their soapbox,
declaring righteousness,
about trivial matters.
But give them human relationships,
matters of the heart,
they would rather run and hide,
than speak with honesty,
of their feelings or lack thereof.
They deceive openly,
or go silent in reply.
The most difficult type of honesty it seems,
is the one that says goodbye,
cleanly and without lies.

Lady Satellite

The style of this poem is deliberately jagged. It tackles an awkward subject which I did not want to dress up in balanced rhymes and humour. The style is honest like the subject.

14: Answering the Call

I hear the quiver, in your voice,
as soon as I pick up your call.
The one that says, ‘Mum I’m scared!’
Not feeling brave at all.

My heart catches, when I hear you,
as fear jolts through my chest.
'Where are you?' 'What has happened?'
Tell me quick, for I cannot rest.

Images pile up in my mind,
unbidden they keep coming.
I steer you, to tell your tale
and release my cloud of worry.

You had a crash, my fears explode,
in hot rivulets of pain.
Haltingly the details emerge,
adrenaline subsides again.

The road was greasy, in the rain,
you spun and hit the poles!
No, you’re not hurt! The cars ok!
There was no one else involved!

Thank God for the angel, that stopped the traffic
and helped you on your way.
Let’s get you home, none of it matters,
It can be fixed another day.

Lady Satellite

You never know when you pick up the phone, what news you will hear; but somehow a mother always knows immediately when they are needed.