221: Halloween

221: Halloween

Missing you now
when the night is darkest
though the orange lights twinkle
and the costumes sparkle.

Conversation flows
and the games begin
but nothing soothes the ache
of empty within.

Being alone is somehow
gentler on the soul
than being at a party
when your heart isn’t whole.

Nothing bears comparison
to the joy we create
when we chatter and laugh
or challenge and debate.

Despite the costumes and the gaiety
this whole throng is dull.
Twittering about nothing of consequence
is all very well
but without the light in your eyes
and the pull of your heart
I haven’t the tolerance for foolishness
or to practice this art.

The alcoholic hit of a cocktail
won’t convince me this is fun.
What use is jellied vodka
will it fight the urge to run?
Why let the spirits fuel my pain
and trap me into staying?
Don’t want to dance drunkenly with another,
only your arms should feel me swaying.

To linger is foolish torture
simply, no need to endure.
Not enriched by fake enjoyment
without mon bel amour.
Ceding defeat I head for home
as inebriation sets in all around,
a strategic retreat to cover emotion
before hot tears betray me on the ground.

Lady Satellite

104: Sleeping Tiger

I roar with sleep deprived anger
As I fight to make myself heard above the din.

“Turn the music down!”
“Show some respect!”
“I don’t want the cops around!”

The tiger has been woken
She has spoken
She will not be ignored.

I return to my lair
The tiger has left me
The effort of being something I am not
Has left me weakened and in despair.

Tearfully I wonder why I agreed to this
Do I like their music?
Do I like their drinking and the huddle of smokers out the front?

No, I don’t like any of it
I don’t like the incessant comings and goings
I don’t like the shouting and bad language
I don’t like upsetting my neighbours
I don’t like booze-fuelled kids, whether mine or someone else’s
And I definitely don’t like it in my house.

Trying to sleep is futile
I am worried about my dog running out onto the street
Every time a door is carelessly left open.
I pen him up and he howls miserably
I know how he feels
A prisoner in his own home.

The night drags on for me
As I listen to the sounds of other people’s fun
I wonder guiltily why I cannot enjoy this party?

They’re happy
They’re not malicious
They’re just unthinking pleasure seekers with no idea how I feel.

They wouldn’t believe how revolted I am
They have no concept of the fear that grips my heart
When people drink heavily around me.
They have no understanding of how unsafe I feel
When I see people losing control.
They have no ability to empathise with my impending sense of doom.
They have not walked in my shoes.
Nor would I want them to.

Let them have their fun
This is a unique occasion
There will be no repeat.

For this one night I will expose myself to the fear and panic
That drinking creates in me.
I do not have to like it to allow my daughter her special night.

I am jealous of them and I know this
I am jealous of their emotional freedom
I am jealous of their careless pleasure seeking ways
I am jealous of their lack of responsibility
But these feelings are fleeting.

I would not swap my knowledge for their naivety
I would not swap my years for their youth
I would not swap my caution for their abandon.

I thank goodness I am not twenty-one
I thank goodness my daughter is here and safe
I thank goodness the tiger is sleeping once again
Even though I remain awake.

Lady Satellite