34: Journey into Madness

Toxic! Toxic!
Warning! Keep Away!
The signs flash, in sickly green light.
Now why did I, ignore that,
that very first night?

Could have! Should have!
Steered a different course.
Ignorant, naïve and foolish,
I approached the danger zone.
Irradiation was my wish.

Danger! Danger!
Withered foes lie strewn.
A landscape, full of human debris,
yet I can’t see him,
as the cause of all this misery.

Madness! Madness!
Insanity lies beyond.
I willingly tread, on contaminated land.
Not wishing, to go back.
Think I can handle this man.

Poison! Poison!
Running through my veins.
The sickness spreads insidiously.
The innocent are slain.
All gone; my integrity.

Painful! Painful!
To leave or to stay.
Perdition is hard to escape.
Every step filled with fear and dread.
In my foggy mind I prayed.

Guilty! Guilty!
Feelings in my heart.
Every day, I see their pain.
It registers and huddles with my own,
in a frightened corner of my brain.

Escape! Escape!
Go now! Save a life!
Dangerously, unstable now,
you teeter on the edge,
I know what to do; but how?

Away! Away!
Reach out, help comes in.
It’s not easy. I don’t deny;
but angels do exist.
They were standing by my side.

Lady Satellite

Thanks to all my angels; past, present and future.

2: Dear Heart

Dear Heart

Forgive me for the stress and strain I have put you under;
I see now the error of my ways.
But my mind could not cope with the conflict in my head.

“It can’t be true!” “It must be me!”
The world is on its head.
“You lie!” “You lie!” It screamed at me and round and round it went.

The only way I could survive, was to put a wall around you,
my precious heart and fortify it well.
Over the top you glimpsed the world and thought you knew it fully;
but you were protected from the blast waves of love and pain;
so that I knew I could at least rely on you.

I built another barricade, in my mind you know.
An impenetrable thicket of lies and make believe;
with thorny spines to keep unwanted questions at bay.
And so we lived, you and I, my heart and mind and me;
not whole, not fully experiencing, but believing we were free.

Then the intruders came, in the middle of my darkest year.
“Why?” “Who?” “Where?” “What?” “Why?” and “Why?” again.
Those questions couldn’t be answered, with half a mind and heart.

As I grappled to gain purchase, on the rubble of my life;
with aching heart and thundering head, I tore down what I had made.
With each thorn that ripped my flesh, I didn’t shy away from the pain.
I held my ground and felt the truth and knew that I was free.

The triggers are disconnected now; my circuitry is working fully.
Released from your bondage, you, dear heart,
swell and contract with the thrill of living.

My mind is content to know itself now,
in all its light and shade.
Dear heart, you will not be controlled again.
I have forgiven myself for what was done.

Love Me

Lady Satellite

My heart goes out to anyone trying to come to terms with their past. If this is you, please be compassionate with yourself. What's done is done. It never goes away; but it isn't the pain of feeling the hurt that damages us; rather it is the pain of not acknowledging or allowing ourselves to feel. Feeling pain doesn't kill us but suppressing pain will eventually.