153: Back Beach Bike Blast

Never thought it possible
To get two bikes in my little car
Cycle alongside the ocean
And travel quite so far.

Until you reach the finish
There’s just no way of knowing
If you’re made of the right stuff
If you’ll be able to keep going.

We laboured up the hills
And flew down the far side
The weather it was glorious
A perfect day for a ride.

We made it across the finish line
No other bikes in sight.
We won’t win prizes for speed
But we made it, so that’s alright.

Lady Satellite

152: Disappointed

Disappointed
Today’s not the day
Disappointed
With myself for feeling this way.

Disappointed
For being so cut up
Disappointed
Thought I was made of stronger stuff.

Disappointed
Because I know the future’s bright
But it doesn’t help
Joy simply won’t ignite.

Disappointed

Because my mind keeps straying back to you
Disappointed
Because there’s nothing I can do.

Lady Satellite

151: Listen, Don't Speak

Every thought is stopped
Before it can reach my mouth
Before I press upon the key
Or find another way to send it out.

I’ve imagined the conversation
Spun it round and round and round
Yet nothing has prepared me
I find I cannot make a sound.

Emotion threatens my composure
Straining for release
I am vulnerable in this state
Not a place I like to be.

Words are my friend
This should be easy for me to do
Yet after so long saying nothing
I don’t know what to say to you.

Every day that you’ve been gone
I’ve wanted to share my thoughts somehow
No way to keep in touch
Communication not allowed.

Now you’re coming back

I find I don’t know where to start
Don’t think I want to speak
Just want to listen to your heart.

Lady Satellite

150: Not Afraid to Fail

I see what you are
But I will not be
I am stronger than you
I am free to be me.

Keep your traditions and your rules
I am nobody’s silly fool
I’ll not live this life, your way
It’s not valid, for today.

I’ll dance my own steps
When fate knocks, I’ll say ‘Yes’
I’ll steer, my own course
This is my life, not yours.

If I err, I’ll admit it
I’m not afraid, to just quit it
My mistakes, are my own
Decisions made, full grown.

I need to know, I tried
Had my fill of life, before I die
Can’t live, apologising
Just working hard, never thriving.

I need challenges and excitement

Not just duty, until retirement
Then body failing, always raining
Never see anyone, mouth complaining.

Lady Satellite

149: Sensory Processing and Modulation Disorder

My switch it seems is faulty
The dial is set up wrong
Feedback from my body
Doesn’t come through strong.

Don’t know where I am
Cannot plan what to do
Can’t organise my limbs
To try something new.

Sliding along the floor
Hanging upside down
All these things I do
To stimulate my mind.

Got to get some feedback
So my mind can concentrate
Got to get some feedback
To get me thinking straight.

You may think it childish
That I drink with a straw
When I run and slide about
Instead of walking to the door.

Maybe if you understood
The body I inhabit
You would see intelligence
Where before was only madness.

My body is amazing
It knows just what it needs
To compensate for missing data
It ramps up the energy feeds.

I wrap myself in blankets
Love riding on a scooter
Need to do things physical
To boost up my computer.

Bouncing on the bed
Rolling on the floor
Sliding tackles at soccer
And there is so much more.

My body is sensory seeking

My vestibular doesn’t work
But all you see is strangeness
My behaviour full or quirks.

Lady Satellite

148: The Snake and the Horse

There may be a different viewpoint, from your high horse
My lowly snake belly cannot imagine the wide open horizons your eyes are free to absorb
But nor can you appreciate the obstacles that litter my path.

It is predictable that we should disagree about the way forward
Understanding the other’s point of view is unlikely as we are sworn enemies
But we could work together to escape this muddy mire.

Elevate me so that I may appreciate your far sightedness
Stoop and slither in the dirt to understand how it feels seeing no way out
Let me ride on your back and feel your muscles aching with the effort of lifting hooves clear of cloying mud
Clear a path for me and observe
I am adept at gliding over the quagmire when I know which direction to go in.

Let us appreciate each other’s gifts and travails

Even the snake and the horse can learn from one another.

Lady Satellite

147: Home-Coming

Nearly there now
I am oscillating between joy and panic as the day grows nearer
I can feel my emotions rising to a peak
Part of me wants to ride this wave all the way
And saturate myself in the experience
The remains of the sensible person I once was
Advises caution and supplies a sobering list of what-if scenarios.

I don’t want to hear them
I will not listen
I cannot hear them because my heart is singing so loudly
It has drowned out that small cautious voice
This is my time for joy and excitement
For the love, laughter and exhilaration that this home-coming means.

Panic hovers around the edge of my dreams

But cannot survive the strength of the sunlight pouring through me
Joy is triumphant
Nearly there now
Hold on, for the ride of your life.

Lady Satellite

146: I Want To Leave (A Rant!)

I think you missed the point
When I wrote to you and complained
But you didn’t listen, once again.
Your response was generic
And didn’t address the issue
It was completely, superficial.

I was sitting here whinging
About your sales technique
And how the website
Wouldn’t let me leave.
So I sent some feedback
A chance to make things better
And all I got was this stupid letter.
All about the password
And how to reset it
You stupid b******d
Why aren’t you getting this?

I WANT TO LEAVE!

Lady Satellite

145: Decisions Decisions

Are you a giver or a taker
A buyer or a maker?
Do you hold back or go rushing in
Are you generous or mean?

Does your smile reach your eyes
Are you good at telling lies?
Now what about that beard
Will I like it, or find it weird?

Are you well-mannered or quite rude
Do you have, a positive attitude?
Are you in a hurry, or taking it slow
Tell me now, I want to know?

Have you travelled, or stayed at home
Do you like, living on your own?
Can you cook, are you good at it
Are you sporty, try keeping fit?

Do you believe, there is always hope
When things get tough, do you struggle to cope?
Do you hold your hands up and say
“I give in”
Do you ask for help, or start drinkin’?

So many things, I need to learn

Before my trust, you can earn.
So many decisions, I need to make
Do I love this, or is it just okay?
Because okay’s just not enough
To sustain me, when times get rough.

Lady Satellite

144: Infinity

What a privilege, to experience infinity
To live a moment, so vast it cannot be measured
When time is just a bystander
To a mind expanding realisation
To the dawn of understanding
When love illuminates our lives
A beautiful memory of clarity and elation
That bisects your life into before and after
An occasion you will forever cherish and replay
Joyfully, relentlessly, eternally.

It matters not, how much earthly time we have
The feeling in that sacred space is beyond words and beyond this realm
The experience is infinite, immortal, interconnected.
I challenge the humanist, the scientist and the Darwinist
To tell me what this feeling is
If it’s not love
If it’s not divine
If it’s not beyond our physical body
What is this feeling?

Tell me there is a chemical reaction
Talk about endorphins and receptors
Theorise all you want
Love transcends reason and rationality
If you don’t believe this, you haven’t felt it
To experience love is to experience the infinite
To love is a privilege.

Lady Satellite

This was written after watching The Fault In Our Stars. It was inspired by John Green's quote "Some infinities are bigger than other infinities"

143: Late Night Snack

Late at night
And I have a hunch
That I should go
Get some food to munch
Seems a very long time
Since I had my lunch
So I’m off to the pantry
For a snack with crunch
Then on to the fridge
For a cheese with punch.

Sitting on the bed
Eating crackers and cheese
No one else here
So I’ll do as I please!

Lady Satellite

142: Freeze-Frame

Just watched a great film
So much like my life
Punctuated with frustration
As the dreaded freeze-frame strikes.

You’re screaming at the TV
Hammering on the buttons
Willing it to start again
Don’t want to miss a moment.

Sometimes the glitch is fleeting
And you take it in your stride
Sometimes you get slow motion
No matter how hard you try.

This DVD is fickle
And life can be the same
Perhaps it will run smoothly
Perhaps it will cause you pain.

Two steps forward
Then back a chapter
Why not a straight line
To happily ever after?

I have often wondered
Why my life’s been hard
Is it because my disc was scratched
When I was manufactured?

Lady Satellite

141: Dance With Me

I love you
You know I do
I will not say it yet
But it is implied in everything I do
You know the truth
You feel it moving deep inside
Why hide?
You know it’s true
I hide just the same as you.

Fear holds us back
So much to gain
Yet so much to lose
Fragile hearts at risk
Each scared to say what is obvious
Each scared to lose the freedom they hold dear
And so we dance
Circling close and twisting away
Air crackling with unspoken feelings
Who will dare to go first?
Who will risk frightening the other?

How strange this dance is
For there is no risk
We are not fragile
This sweet ache will not kill us
If the emotion is shared we will dance ever closer
If the emotion is unequal we were never meant to be partners
Say nothing
Just dance with me
You don’t know the steps and nor do I
Let the rhythm will take us
We have nothing of value to lose
But what we have to gain is priceless.

Lady Satellite

140: Safe On Land

I find it hard to comprehend
What your watery world is like
I have no point of reference
No experience to invoke.

I have never lived at sea
Or been so far from land
I have never been on-board ship
With a cyclone close at hand.

Without communication
My mind runs and jumps about
I’m sure it’s all routine for you
But I worry you’re caught out.

I look forward to your landing
When my phone begins to ping
Then I’ll know you’re safe ashore
And I’ll breathe easy again.

Lady Satellite

139: Bills Be Gone!

Feels so good
To pay my bills
Seeing them there
Was giving me chills.

Now they’re gone
The sun’s come out
let’s get back
To what life’s all about.

No more fretting
About the pile that was getting
Bigger than Ben Hur
Falling on the floor.

No more lying awake
Feeling my heart quake
Wondering what to do
Waking up feeling blue.

Time to sing
It’s time at last
Time to go out
Time to dance.

Feels so good
To pay my debts
Now I’m free
My life’s the best!

Lady Satellite

138: Love That Sound

Drumming rain on canvas
Vibrates inside my brain;
I want to sleep but can’t
Camping once again.

Ground unyielding beneath
Rain relentless above;
So glad it’s only one night
Camping is not my love.

Dawn arrives with haste
I feel unready and unwilling
A day of entertaining cub scouts
While the puddles are a-filling.

The boys are making a racket
Be surprised if we’re allowed back
Parrots are screeching loudly
Sounds like we’re under attack.

A deep booming ‘crack’ overhead
Cuts through the din all around
An ominous creaking begins
Never felt so much fear from a sound.

As I scramble to escape
The bough fall is relentless
My mind runs wild in fear
Action invisible through canvas.

The impact has a resonance
I feel vibrating like thunder
A terrifying silence follows
Except where my heart shudders.

How I wish for the chatter
Of those ten excited children
And those raucous birds at dawn
Life without, a vision truly barren.

Finally reaching the light
Gratitude floods over
The children emerge and run about
Fall couldn’t have been much closer.

So happy to hear their noise
No longer caring what others think
How thoughts change in a second
When precious life is threatened.

Lady Satellite

137: Under Pressure

Amazing things happen
When time is limited
All of a sudden
I become less inhibited.

I rush around madly
Getting things done
Some of my best work
Is done on the run.

Off to school
Then an hour on the bike
Eight at work
And then out for the night.

Next to a workshop
About writing, of course
Then catch up with a friend
And talk myself hoarse.

Home again late
With no poem to blog
Write something quick
No time to be lost.

Must get to bed
Haven’t packed yet, oh dear
Camping tomorrow
We’ll get there, no fear.

Throw it all in a bag
Before going to work
Plenty of time
Say I with a smirk.

If you gave me a week

I still wouldn’t be packed
Until the last minute

When I’m pushed to react.

Just like this poem
It’s an absolute miracle
I wrote it in five
And it’s really quite lyrical!

Lady Satellite

136: Unknown Quantity

I have never met you
How do I feel about you?
Perhaps I feel intimidated
Because this man was yours for so long
Because you bore his children
Because he loved you once
But that would be foolish.

Perhaps I feel nothing
Because you are unimportant to me
Because I do not know you
Because it does not matter how I feel about you
But that would be untrue.

Perhaps we will be enemies
Because you might think I have stolen him away
Because you cannot bear that I exist
Because we’re all afraid
But that would be unjust.

No I have decided that I like you
Because you have good taste in men
Because you are a caring and intelligent woman
Because you are strong and resourceful

To think anything less diminishes us both.

I may never meet you
That doesn’t matter
In my heart you are important and very welcome
Because I respect you
Because I honour the past
Because I trust the future
Que sera sera.

Lady Satellite

135: Writing A Poem

Thinking, blinking
Thoughts in my head

Dreaming, meaning
Lying here on my bed

Straining, training
The words to be said

Running, gunning
Full steam ahead

Crafting, drafting
The words they are wed

Weaving, achieving 

A cohesive thread.

Lady Satellite

134: Your Way

Put your foot on the floor and take a step
Where it will lead you cannot know yet
It’s not important to know the destination
It’s just a movement towards you intention.

To help you decide which way to go
Take a good look around at where your energy flows
Are you busy doing thing that make you sad
Where are your dreams, the things that make you glad?

If you lack time to do the things you enjoy?
Look at the way your resources are deployed
Is having dust on the TV, more important than your best friend?
Are your standards helpful or do they need to bend?

If the rules you live by are making you feel down

Then maybe it’s time to turn them around
Things don’t always have to stay the same
This is your life so live it your way.

Lady Satellite

133: Shifting Focus

What a difference a year makes
It’s hard to believe the change
From so far down to such a high
I’ve found my wings and now I fly.

It’s like all the pieces are on the table
And finally I find myself able
To see the picture that is my life
To bounce off the lows and reach the sky.

Every day, I appreciate
The things I’ve learnt and the friends I’ve gained
How I wish that I could spread this around
Help others to fly and get off the ground.

I see the struggle inside of you
I see the doubt and the pain there too
I can’t help wondering if there’s something I can do
To make a difference, to guide you through.

There has to be a reason I followed this path
Let me hold your hand and together we’ll laugh
As you trip over obstacles and land on your arse
Know you’re not alone, the bad times will pass.

I’ve been there too and when I look long range
I’m glad that I was because it made me change
Look for the good in every situation
Avoid the negative and the gossip temptation.

You can always choose a different point of view
If you don’t like what you’re seeing here’s what to do
Do what you can to lighten the load
Then shift your focus before you implode.

Find one thing in your life that makes you feel good
Let it give you energy and lift your mood
Shift your focus away from the things that are poor
Focus on the positive, then look for a door.

Watch for it opening then have the courage to go through
If you want things to change then you must try things new
Be bold, be brave, you’ve got nothing to lose
If I can do it then you can too.

Lady Satellite

132: Gone

Those dark inscrutable eyes stare at me impassively from the screen.
Your mouth shows not a hint of a curve, neither up nor down.
You are looking right at me and yet you are strangely absent.
How is it possible to shut down your face so completely
To reveal so little of who you are?

Where did you go in that moment of capture?
Why are you hiding your light from the lens?
Come back
Come back
I miss you.

Until you return this image is all I have and yet it does nothing to ease my mind.
It disquiets me to see your vessel as an empty shell.
I remember with such clarity the smile that lit up your face and warmed my heart
I remember you as animated and vibrant with a glowing aura
I remember those eyes alternately reflecting passion and mischief.

Who was the person behind the camera?
How could the photographer completely miss who you are?
Didn’t they see you?
Or were you hiding?

Lady Satellite

131: Flying

Have you ever swayed
On the edge of a cliff?
Felt the breeze
Begin to lift
Felt the adrenaline
In your heart
And wondered
If you could fly
What it would feel like
To be carried on the air
To rise with the thermals
And soar without cares.

In my dreams
I swooped and rose
With wings on my back
And the wind in my toes
I revelled in the freedom
Not tied to the earth
Tested my limits
And achieved a new first.

Every time fear

Clutches at my heart
My wings unfurl
Eager to start
My body remembers
What my head
Doesn’t know
Amazing things happen
When you trust and let go.

Lady Satellite

130: Tough Love

I want you to go
But I want you to stay
How contrary am I
On this subject today?

I can’t make up my mind
I dither about
Looking at pros and cons
I wear myself out.

Sometimes I need you
It helps when you’re here
But then I can’t trust you
And that generates fear.

It’s no good me wishing
You were someone you’re not
You are who you are
The daughter I got.

I love you, I love you
But that’s not enough
You’ve pushed me too far
And now this is tough.

I’m not being heartless
I’m not being cruel
I want you to learn
And I’m nobody’s fool.

If you want that life
You can’t have it here
It saddens me to say it
And I’ll shed a few tears

But you have to leave
Hope you find somewhere near
The decision is final
The decision is clear.

Take responsibility for yourself
It’s an important step
I know you can do it
It just hasn’t happened yet.

Go out into the real world
Live, love and learn
Come back wiser
And my respect you will earn.

Lady Satellite

129: Lunchtime

Elbows on the table, hands covering my face
I close my eyes and think of you.

I struggle to block out the sounds of lunchtime chatter
The voices distract me from being with you.

Twenty minutes is too short, but three weeks feels so long
I need this precious time to remember you.

This is my time to wrap myself up in warm memories
To savour them and be nourished by you.

Work beckons and I must end my reverie
Time sped by so quick I am loathe to leave you.

It’s amazing how time races or slows in opposition to your wish
If only I could get three weeks to go as quick.

Lady Satellite

128: What's In A Name?

Free at last, the past is gone
Finally I break the bonds
My life begins again as me
My names declares it, I do not belong to He
I am neither bought nor sold
I shall keep this name ‘til I am old.

How much simpler, to be a man
And keep a name for life
How confusing, to be a woman
First a maiden then a wife
God forbid you should divorce
Then you face an awful choice
Keep a name with troubled memories attached
Or change it and from your children be unmatched.

What name you go by is a very big deal
How we are labelled surely affects the way we feel
For the first time I have chosen my own
Made a statement with how I shall be known
Haven’t been myself since some long distant past
So comforting to be myself at last.

Lady Satellite

127: New Frontiers

What’s right for you
Might be wrong for me
But we don’t know
Let’s wait and see.

It’s exciting to explore
The differences we find
Though we are great together
We are not one mind.

You challenge me
And I return the favour
This back and forth debate
For me is such a pleasure.

I need your perspectives
They make me wonder why
I haven’t seen that view before
You feed my enquiring mind.

Shake me out of my lethargy
Make my eyes shine bright
I’ll challenge you in every way
Every day and every night.

Nothing that has been
Has an automatic right to stay
If beliefs can’t justify themselves
Happy to learn new ways.

Push me to peak fitness
And I’ll push you to face your fears
Let me open your mind
And I’ll show you new frontiers.

Surrender to your emotions
I’ll take you places science doesn’t know
No limits to what we can achieve
Together we will grow.

Lady Satellite

126: Blender

What happened to my life?
Did someone put it in a blender?
Things are changing so fast
It’s hard to comprehend.

You took me from ecstasy to empty
Within twelve hours I didn’t recognise my world
Now you’ve pressed the turbo switch
This much happiness is absurd.

You’ve turned everything on its head
The power surge was so unexpected
I don’t want to wake from this dream
Don’t want the power disconnected.

Lady Satellite